When a Mom is Drowning

Have you ever heard moms talk about how we’re drowning? Or heard a mom say she was drowning? Or that she felt like she was drowning? We do not mean it literally of course. It is a metaphor or an analogy, a figure of speech for comparison to make an explanatory point.

So what do we really mean when we say we’re drowning? We are overwhelmed, overloaded, overworked - whether we work from home, work outside the home, work AT home (meaning stay at home moms) or any combination of these. We are stressed, burnt out, run-down, defeated. We have too much on our plates. We bear the brunt of the mental load. (I’m itching to delve more into this one sometime). We are touched out, talked out, “decision-ed out”. We can’t get it all done. We aren’t doing enough or getting it right. We can’t keep up. We can’t keep going. We are exhausted. We are drowning. 

About a year ago I was chatting with a close friend about how we both felt like we were drowning in each of our motherhood journeys. But we eventually realized that we weren’t drowning, even in the metaphorical sense. We were swimming. We were treading water and staying afloat. Maybe we weren’t moving very far or very fast, but still swimming nonetheless. 

Swimming is not drowning. And we are pretty damn good at swimming. Maybe we were in uncharted waters but we were still swimming. We were getting stronger with every stroke even if it was leaving us empty and exhausted.

This idea of metaphorically treading water is something we do when we’re in survival mode. And while we’re on the subject, let me just say that we are allowed to switch gears into survival mode at any time for any reason. It might be because we are trying to meet a deadline for work; planning and preparing for a major holiday; taking care of 3 kids who have the flu while also battling the flu yourself; holding down the fort while your spouse works a 36 hour shift as a first responder… Or you might be like me and tackle all of the above at the same time! (I do not recommend trying this. Zero stars.) But everyone has a different threshold and whatever throws you into your version of survival mode is fair game. 

Survival mode is actually a wonderful thing, although it never feels like a great place to be at the time. But the fact that we have the ability to rally and to summon the strength and resources to get through the tough stuff is amazing. We power through and get it done. It’s like the backup generator we turn on during a storm or power outage. It gives us just enough of what we need to get to the other side of that chaos. We marvel at how we can still pull through despite the circumstances. We commend ourselves for making it through and surviving, as we should. 

But then it starts to get a little twisted, if you’re like me. (This might be my toxic trait… I might have a few of them actually… future post?)

I look at my survival mode performance and try to rationalize that since I did so well with it, I should be able to handle that workload or that level of chaos with such ease on a regular basis. But it is not sustainable. It is dangerous to think so. It is similar to the procrastination trap. Waiting until the very last minute but then somehow managing to cram everything in. It kind of feels like you’re getting away with something. And it is dangerous because we file it away in the back of our minds and convince ourselves that this is a great place to set the bar. 

It’s not. Survival mode is not a place to live. It is a means to an end. It serves its purpose, but it doesn’t feel good and it’s not okay to let ourselves stay there too long. 

Treading water is a perfectly acceptable way to stay afloat. It keeps us from drowning. But it is only a means to an end. We are most likely stuck in one place rather than moving in any direction. Stuck in one place is better than sinking. Much better. But treading water for an extended period of time is still not sustainable. We need to tap out, even if it is only for a little while, if that is all the break we can get. 

In that “drowning” conversation with my friend, I expressed how rare it is that I leave all 3 of my kids with anyone to give myself that break. This includes my husband as well, even though he is willing and insistent on letting me tap out, I rarely take him up on the offer. Because I know how stressful it is and I know that I always feel like I’m drowning so why would I want to leave someone else to feel like that. And my friend responded “Well maybe sometimes marriage means you take turns drowning.” 

We all need someone who can give us that break so we’re not treading water for an unhealthy amount of time. Whether it’s a spouse, grandparent, babysitter, trusted friend. We need a person to come in as our relief. Once in a while we get to lay on the floaty thing, wearing sunglasses with a fruity drink in hand while everyone else splashes around. Even if just for a little bit before we have to dive back in again.