Mommy Meltdown
Tonight I lost it. I lost my cool. I blew a fuse. I went over the edge. I hit my limit. I hit the wall- not literally but I’ve been known to do that on occasion too.
I balled my fists. I slammed my door. I locked myself in my room. I tried to regain some semblance of self-control but I couldn’t pull it off for more than a few minutes. Emotions were spewing. Composure was like a helium balloon you let go of out outside in those first few seconds where you can maybe still reach it if you jump and grab but more realistically it’s too late and you just have to watch it get smaller and smaller as it floats all the way to the clouds. Poof there goes calm, there goes peace, there goes control.
Who is to say why? I mean yes I can trace back the specific events of the bedtime routine and figure out what that last straw was and what exact things I was yelling about. But that never seems to be the whole story. Of course it’s not.
It went on for way too long tonight. Not the yelling part, but my emotional imbalance took longer than usual to rectify.
We cycled through the aftermath, all the typical phases. Kids crying and apologizing. A tidal wave of guilt on my end. Redirection, second chances, teachable moments. But all too soon another outburst because emotions are just still too raw. And in that reprise I eventually found my own tears flowing. Not at all unusual in this situation. And I found myself saying that it was too much for me to take care of everyone and I just wanted to take care of me. Just for a little bit. What about me?
Sometimes in the middle of a mommy meltdown I hear my own voice and almost don’t recognize it. Who have I become? Why are the best things in my life bringing out the worst in me?
I sometimes wonder where I’ve gone, where the old me or the real me is hiding. My day is spent thinking of and doing things for everyone else. I’m in there a little bit, but not quite in the same sense I used to be. In large part I am okay with this. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I knew what I was getting into. Except I didn’t because you can’t really and truly know until you’re right there, in the midst of it, elbow deep in diapers. But I knew lots of things would change and that there would be sacrifices. I’ve had to shrink myself to make room for them to grow. It’s not unreasonable. I wouldn’t do any of the big things differently.
But the me that is still in there needs more. I need to feel like me again. I need to put myself first sometimes. I need to let things go every now and then.
Once again it seems to come down to self care. Sure we’ve all heard of it and why it’s important. But do we actually follow through and make it a priority? It is not selfish. It is not indulgent. It is system maintenance. Things will break down and fall apart without attention and maintenance.
Neglect her too long and that little piece of me that’s in there somewhere will emerge with a banshee scream. That’s who is yelling at my kids because they’re defying my commands to clean up the toys and taking too long to put their pajamas on. (These were their worst offenses tonight.) It’s the me that I’ve ignored in an effort to be selfless. Taking care of everyone else first has backfired. And now we all have to pay the price.
It is not at all unlike a tantruming toddler. The behavior, the yelling, the acting out. It is all merely a symptom of a deeper need. Communication masked in emotion.
When a mommy meltdown occurs, I usually jump right into feelings of guilt, self doubt, maybe even shame or failure. But what I should be doing is giving myself grace and trying to figure out what I need to feel whole again. Taking a good hard look at the mom in the mirror is easier said than done some days. But the real me is in there somewhere. I need to pause, breathe, reflect, and trust her. Deep down, she knows what she is doing.
