I got Fired Today
I got fired today. I honestly don’t even remember what I did to deserve it. I definitely saw it coming though because I got fired yesterday too, and the day before that. In fact I have gotten fired every day this past week and hit a new record of 3 times last Saturday. Fired from being a mom as per my 4 year old.
This is his new tactic, basically for when I say something he doesn’t like. Not your turn with that toy- well then you’re fired. Can’t have a piece of candy- you’re fired. Time to clean up and get ready for bed- fired. I could go on all day.
At first it was kind of funny, although I’m sure I didn’t smile or laugh out loud. Gotta keep that poker face at all times. If you break they know they have you and it’s all over. Of course as time goes on, this bit is less and less funny. It’s quite annoying honestly. And if I am already short fused at the moment, it’s actually pretty triggering.
Because the whole concept behind my 4 year old firing me is that he is trying to exert some power, to cause me to react. In short it is an attention seeking tactic and negative attention is much better than no attention at all. If he is able to push a button and cause me to express an emotion, say something, do something, anything… that IS power.
What a big feeling for such a little guy. So in his mind (subconsciously I’m sure) whatever he has to do to feel like he is controlling the situation is fair game. And I would have to agree, firing your mom probably feels pretty powerful.
It is also in some way a desperate attempt to hurt my feelings, thus causing an additional emotional reaction- bonus! Some days it doesn’t stop there either. He might tell me I’m boring or a meanie. That I’m a liar, that everything I say is a lie. That I’m stupid (which in our house is crossing the line, unacceptable and he knows it). I mean I’m sure I’ve been called worse and I’d like to think I have a pretty thick skin. But coming from my 4 year old, my sweet little boy who loves to snuggle and runs to me when he needs comfort, I have to say it hits a little harder.
Maybe this is especially because I know he is deliberately trying to break me down, to tug on my heart strings. He will play every card he has to try to evoke some kind of reaction, the more emotional the better.
And I am embarrassed to say that sometimes it really works. I feel hurt and sad and rejected and inadequate. Like maybe I might not be doing the best job as a mom. Maybe I would truly get fired if that power were in someone else’s hands.
It is a very odd vortex of swirling emotion to see your child try to get a rise out of you and to feel it working. Maybe the intention behind it is what makes it sting. You know it shouldn’t and the worst thing you can do is play their game, but sometimes you just get swept away in spite of yourself. It’s not the logical or mature thing to do, but it happens to the best of us.
I know what I am supposed to do in that situation. I am supposed to remain calm, unemotional, be the adult, help my child navigate their big irrational feelings. And sometimes I do it splendidly. A few days ago I stayed level headed for the longest, roughest tantrum my 4 year old has had in a very long time. We weathered the storm of tumultuous emotions and eventually made it to the other side with a shred of dignity. Kudos to me, and to him. But there have been many many times where I can’t keep calm, or my calm runs out and I stoop to his level. I’m stuck in the power struggle, which never has a winner.
Beyond the power play, there is also communication going on here as well. By using all the hurtful words in his arsenal, my 4 year old is trying to tell me in no uncertain terms that he does not like whatever I am saying or doing. If I can keep that in mind it is easier to toughen up and not take the whole encounter so personally. I know deep down at the end of the day he still loves me of course. In all likelihood it will only be a matter of minutes before he is declaring his love again and asking for a hug. He is a deeply emotional, sensitive, smart, strong, resilient young person. Even I still have trouble navigating my complex emotions some days, so I can forgive him for letting his feelings get the better of him. I can forgive him for firing me daily.
But in that moment his behavior is his way of sending a message that this sucks. My rules, decisions, limitations, maybe even my tone or words or actions- he is not a fan. And that’s okay. He doesn’t have to approve. We will get through it anyway. In fact I’m starting to think that when I get fired it actually means I am doing exactly what I need to do to be a good mom. So bring it on. You can fire this mom, but I will still show up tomorrow and do the best I can.
