Love at First Sight

For a while now I’ve felt compelled to share my experience as a special needs parent. But to be honest I’ve been holding back and I think I’ve finally figured out some of the reasons why. 

For starters, some of it feels like a separate topic from the other things I’ve written here in a way. But that’s not true at all. Parenting a child with special needs is extremely similar to parenting a typical child in so many ways. There are some key differences, undeniably. (I’m sure I’ll share many posts about those in the future.) But day to day, much of it looks the same. And it all stems from the same place: LOVE. Pure, powerful, genuine, all-encompassing, heart wrenching, life altering love. 

So my notion of these two categories being separate (parenting and special needs parenting) is simply an illusion. 

When it comes to this area of my life, there is so much I want to share. That’s the next reason: where to start? Procrastination at its best. The beginning seems like a promising choice. Learning that our world would be changed, not having the first clue what to do or how to navigate this new territory.

Which leads me to another major reason I’ve been holding back- I haven’t been on this journey all that long so maybe I feel like I’m not qualified as an authority on this subject. 

Also an illusion. I am qualified. And so are you if you’ve been in the same boat even for a short while. Because I am not giving medical advice or making guarantees about any child’s health or abilities or accomplishments. I am speaking from my heart about what this experience has been like so far for me and my family. 

And that journey officially started for us about two years ago right at this time in the middle of January. 

Just the process of establishing the diagnosis was exhausting, overwhelming, and emotionally draining. From routine sonograms and prenatal blood work, to amniocentesis, waiting anxiously for the results, days that felt like weeks, and finally the confirmation phone call with a definitive statement: Your baby will have Down Syndrome. 

It sat rather heavy on my heart to say the least. 

I have wondered countless times what I could say to someone else in the same position, what I would have wanted to hear that could put my mind at ease. I honestly do not know if there is anything that would have done the trick.

Looking at our life now, it seems so bizarre that I ever questioned any of it or had so much trepidation. My daughter is absolutely perfect and she completes our family without a doubt. 

It is a bit odd to look back and know that my worrying was for naught and to feel like I could and would want to alleviate someone else of all that emotional turmoil. Because I am not saying that I was wrong to have such conflicting emotions or that anyone else would be either. 

At the time I was frankly embarrassed to express how much sadness, fear, grief, and probably even anger I was feeling towards the hand fate had dealt me. I know now that every single feeling I felt was valid. And I worked as hard as I could to process each one, and share it (albeit with a very select few). I am a big proponent of letting the wave of emotion wash over rather than trying to fight it. I am a fan of this in theory. Much harder to put into practice. Sometimes we honestly just don’t have the time or energy to let it all in. Or out. Or wherever it needs to go.

I am more than a little ashamed to admit that I wondered if I would love this baby in the same way that I love my other two children. I remained unsure of this for basically my entire pregnancy. Maybe somewhere deep down I must have known. But as much as I hate to admit this fact, until I met and instantly fell in love with my baby girl, it was hard to fully realize how perfect she truly was, diagnosis and all. 

I guess one thing that might have reassured me would be to know that I can do this. That I can step into the big shoes of a special needs mom and be able to take care of my baby and the rest of my family and honestly myself. I would have loved it if someone said to me with absolute certainty that so much of my doubt and fear and grief would utterly melt away when I met my baby girl. And I mean literally the split second that I met her. 

It was absolutely love at first sight. Exactly the same as when my other two children were born. Completely instant love. Like magic, the strongest, most unbreakable spell imaginable. If you already have one or more children, maybe you know what I’m talking about. A love you never knew you could feel, that changes your entire world instantaneously. 

If you are an expectant mom or parent and you can suspend your doubt, and fear, and grief, and worry just for a moment… If you can have the faith to take it from someone who has been there… trust me when I say that from the moment my little girl came into this world, it was all pure love. That love will give you the strength you need to deal with anything else that comes your way. And everything else fades into the background. 

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