Self Care vs. System Maintenance

Let me start by pointing out how ironic it is for me to be sharing a blog post about self care. A few years ago I had honestly never heard the term in this context. Someone asked me what I do for self care and I literally thought they were asking what my shower routine was. Maybe I am the only one. Maybe most people are already making it a priority and reaping the benefits. But I believe it is worth sharing the little bit that I’ve picked up along the way because I have found that it is beyond essential to operating as a mom. 

I’d also like to add that I have been a classically slow learner in the self care department. First it took a while to understand the importance of it. Then I struggled to see the connection between my emotional and mental state and my self care upkeep. Next came some trial and error of what things really made a positive impact for me personally. (Spoiler alert: it’s not pedicures.) And finally, there is the whole challenge of making the time to do the things. At this current moment in time I am still working on getting out in front of the burnout and implementing what I know will make me feel better. So it’s a process!

Okay now to break down self care. I am not a fan of that term. I don’t know why. I prefer the term “system maintenance”. I get stuck on words and language and the way something sounds and the effect it has on the senses. Self care has just never resonated with me for whatever reason. I could probably psychoanalyze it. There might be something there. Perhaps a post for another day... 

If that term works for you and you like it - great! We are really talking about the same thing here. But in my own case, if I replace it with “system maintenance” the whole idea of it shifts. In a very positive and productive way.

Think about it. A system that needs maintenance. If it is overworked, mishandled, neglected, it will not perform properly. It might even shut down all together. It needs fuel, breaks/ down time, a battery change, replacement parts (okay this metaphor might be getting away from me…)

We have heard most of these analogies before and they make sense. But then we just switch back to calling it self care. So whichever term we use, we still have to come around to the question of what exactly our system needs, beyond the obvious and essential. I think it varies from person to person. 

But I’ll share a short list for starters.

We need solid sleep to replenish and recharge, which can often be hard to come by as a mom of littles. I mean this one is honestly basic for everyone, but I include it (and at the top of the list) because we often forget to prioritize it, or give ourselves grace when sleep deprived. It’s a game changer. We also sometimes need to rest, mentally and emotionally, to feel at peace, even if only for a short period of time in between the chaos.

As moms, sometimes the thing we need is space and time. We are burnt out, touched-out, on sensory overload. Quiet might be the thing we need.

Sometimes it is the full attention of someone dear to us, be it a partner, relative, friend. We spend so much time giving and splitting all of our attention among so many other things. And we have all had the failed conversation across the dinner table where we can barely finish a sentence so we just give up. Having it finally be our turn just to be heard and to take up our own space can be a powerful remedy. 

Sometimes it is mental and emotional encouragement. I am deeply moved every time someone, anyone tells me I am doing a good job as a mom. I believe them and it helps me keep going. 

Sometimes it’s fresh air and sunshine.

Sometimes it’s to move our bodies.

Sometimes it’s to escape into a book or movie or creative project.

Sometimes it’s for someone to take one of the many tasks we have off our shoulders, big or small. 

Sometimes it is saying no. To not add one more thing onto the already full plate. To really think about if it is something we want to do or if we are just being a people-pleaser. To honor our own precious time and not overcommit. 

I think it boils down to choosing the thing that affects your mood in a positive way. And it changes from day to day, but still remains supremely important. 

It took me a long time to really get it. I am still working on it. But if you’ve made it this far and you’re still reading, this is your cue to carve out time for some self care or system maintenance. Any little thing that makes you feel more like yourself, like a happier you.