Half Awake but Wholehearted
I almost made the title of this blog “Half Awake but Wholehearted”. Which I still feel is extremely appropriate in a couple of ways. To know me is to know that I overthink just about everything and this was no exception. So here was my connection and justification post for the runner-up title.
Every time I sit down to write or work on blog things I am literally almost falling asleep. Sometimes I do fall asleep. More often that I’d like to admit.
A friend once told me that after the second kid you just stop talking/ complaining about how tired you are because it is a permanent part of your reality. Water in the fishbowl. No point in mentioning it. What a waste of the little energy we have. I had no kids at the time (she had at least two or three).
Now with three kids of my own (ages 7, 4, and 1) I can attest to that. Sleep deprivation is a staple in our household. And it is rare I meet a mom who cannot relate to this.
I am living in a constantly sleep deprived state of being. An alternate universe where the night time hours require alertness, attention, flexibility, patience, caring, understanding. Rather than rest, relaxation, and recharging the batteries.
My nights are not my own. My days are not my own either, of course.
I cannot remember the last time I felt truly rested. There has been an occasional (maybe seasonal) get away or weekend where the kids are at grandmas and I am sure I’ve had the ability to catch up on sleep. But to be quite honest it is really just a drop in the bucket at this point.
I sometimes have the opportunity to sleep in (until 7:30 am!) here and there thanks to my thoughtful, generous husband. I am lucky and grateful to say the least. But still, I think it is fair to say I never really shake the feeling of being half awake.
You could say I am half awake in terms of consciousness too, so to speak. The effects of “mommy brain” have yet to wear off. I am constantly forgetting things, half listening to people, starting projects and stopping midway due to being distracted, overwhelmed, or sometimes just plain stuck. I make lists and then don’t look at them. I make plans and struggle to keep them (or sometimes to enjoy them). I make dinner and no one eats it!
Those of us on the motherhood journey can easily fall victim to “going through the motions” mode. This can be the case for a portion of the day, multiple days or weeks or rough patches. It can even stretch into months or years depending on what we are going through and how we’ve evolved to cope with it.
But I would venture to say that every parent is giving it their all. We may not be getting it right 100% of the time, but we are leaving it all out there on the field each and every time. Sure that effort looks different for each of us, even depending on the day. But we have to stand tall and feel proud of ourselves and each other for fighting the good fight.
Some days we fight to get a toddler to wear seasonally appropriate clothing. Other days we fight the school district to provide more resources for our child to receive the best education possible because we are their advocate and their champion. Most days we are the referee and break up the fights that erupt from sibling rivalry, because no one started it and nothing is fair and everything is boring. There will be wins and there will be losses. But to put in our best effort is really all that anyone can ask.
The wholehearted mom is one who tries, fails, and tries again. She may not know everything. In fact she may not know what she is doing half of the time. And she may be half awake all of the time. But she will always do her very best for her children, and if she’s really smart, she will remember to save a little energy to be good to herself too.
