Giving Myself Grace

Almost 4 years ago I was at a friend’s Christmas party with several other couples. Adults only, most of them with one or two kids under the age of 5. 

My own daughter was a little over three and my son was about 4 months old and had hit the dreaded 4 month sleep regression right on target. We were up every hour with an inconsolable infant, and up at 6am either for work or our daughter. It was grueling. (If you have experienced the 4 month sleep regression and lived to tell the tale, I know how triggered you are right now just reading the words. Deep breaths. It’s all okay. You’re on the other side now.)

I remember standing around chatting with some of the other moms there and I was venting about how I couldn’t believe I wasn’t in a good groove yet. Wondering why it was taking me so long to adjust to life with two kids. I really thought the dust would have settled by now. 

I remember saying that it seemed understandable, expected even to be in a state of chaos for the first month or two after having a new baby. But here we were at 4 months postpartum and I had no solid routine or schedule, was not getting dinner on the table at any reliable time, or even cooking dinner half the time. I was behind on everything at home, at work, in life. I still had piles of laundry sitting around, dust collecting on every surface, toys scattered in all areas of the house, paperwork cluttering the desk and counters. (Spoiler alert: I still do today!)

The other moms were sympathetic, saying they had been there before as well. Citing examples and sharing stories of their own chaotic households during a similar season of life.

But I wasn’t ready to let myself off the hook. I was baffled. Why hadn’t I figured this out yet?!

Now if you’re reading this and your situation has ever resembled mine in any way, I hope you’re thinking I sound crazy for setting the bar so high. You’re right. We’ll get back to that one. 

But here’s the funny thing. A year later I was reflecting on that very conversation and my wildly high expectations. I easily realized I was insane to expect to have motherhood “figured out” at that point in my journey. Looking back then I realized I was in the thick of it. Why in the world did I think I should have it all together by the time my newborn was 4 months old? I have no idea where all of this pressure came from.

A little time and distance gave me some perspective and allowed me to have a revelation. I need to be kinder to myself. To give myself some grace. We all do. There is also a deep need to be much more realistic about adjusting to the many phases of life as a parent, which can swoop in swiftly and leave us blindsided. And to be realistic about how overly full our plates are and the impossible urge to try to keep it all balanced. Seamlessly, effortlessly. With a smile, no less.

The pressure accumulates and the bar is set way out of reach. I’m not suggesting we lower the bar for parenting in general. I think we would do better to shift the bar. Measure something different. Let go of that perfect pinterest picture. Who cares if the laundry is folded or how many times we had pizza this week? Are my children happy, healthy, and safe? Did I enjoy a snuggle, a smile, a laugh with them today? Have I paused to make time for my own self care and mental health? These are the items I want to focus on rather than the endless list of chores, tasks, and errands that are weighing me down. 

Still to this day I catch myself having a similar feeling. Why are things so chaotic? When will my house and my life stop being such a mess? I try to remember that shift in perspective from a few years ago. I do not need to have motherhood down to a science. I am eternally in the process of figuring it all out. And that is partly because the game is constantly changing, as children grow and go through phases, transitions, and milestones. 

And here’s the real mind blowing piece of it. I can (and should) give myself this grace in all phases, for any reason whatsoever. Just because I am no longer a “new” mom or no longer in the postpartum phase does not mean things will be smooth, easy or even simple. I am betting I will look back in a year and marvel at how I got it all done amidst the current chaos. And if I’m looking back on smiling faces, knowing my children felt loved, that is absolutely a win. Even if they’re smiling in the middle of a mess.