More than a Meeting
We recently had a meeting. Our meeting. THE meeting. CSE or CPSE - Committee on (Preschool) Special Education.
I knew these meetings existed before I had to attend them. I have connections to and experiences with that whole realm of education. But I never knew what it felt like until I became that parent in the hot seat.
Here’s what I didn’t know about those meetings. Even if things go your way, even if things seem to be clear cut on paper, even if the committee is all in agreement and each of the attendees is supportive, warm and pleasant, … even if all that is true. You are still riddled with anxiety and overwhelmed with emotion as the parent. To be the voice and advocate and guardian of this little person takes a lot out of you. This little person who you would do absolutely anything and everything for.
The anxiety and exhaustion is not because you are up late reading reports or researching strategies, or learning about your rights. Not because you are basically a secretary for scheduling services and meetings and double checking paperwork. Not because you are constantly trying to remember to implement tactics, assess how much progress is being made, consult with the team, and can sometimes feel like you are walking on eggshells with everyone involved. All of the above is true and it takes its toll. But that is not what makes it exhausting. The draining part is to have to try to see your child through someone else’s eyes. To think about how they present on paper, and what the data says, and how we can draft a clear cut plan that will contribute in a positive way.
Because this is just my baby. My little one, who has made so much progress and accomplished such amazing things that I am so proud of. All of which would not be possible without this committee and their support. There is so much that is wonderful about that - the system that is in place, the district we happen to be a part of, each particular person who holds their position that impacts the decision and plan and process. But on the other hand, if I am being totally brutally honest… sometimes I just wish it wasn’t necessary. I wish we didn’t have to end up here. I wish we were not on this track and this category and this cross road.
I sometimes wonder why I don’t seem to feel a big sense of relief after one of these meetings. I feel like I should feel better after it’s over and I almost feel weird or maybe even guilty that the relief is not immediate. I have nothing to complain about and I would not change anything. Except I wish I could make it easier for my child. I wish I could get to the bottom of why there is such a struggle or difficulty and fix it. So I guess in some way I don’t really want to completely be where I am in this. And I am not sure that is fair or even accurate to say. It’s complicated. But it truly is still a heavy feeling of looking at what we are facing and dealing with it the best we can. I do have tremendous gratitude for so many parts of this. But yes sometimes I have to call out the fact that I am just tired. And heavy.
And I think another part of the reason the relief is not instant, is that I spend days holding my breath and getting worked up and feeling anxious. Preparing, reading reports, imagining scenarios, losing sleep, just generally worrying about things I cannot control, but am required to play an active role in. Anxiety is a kind and mild word for it. Regardless of the outcome, once the moment has passed, that anxious energy does not just dissipate automatically. I wish it evaporated into the air like steam. But it doesn’t. It oozes out slowly and leaves me feeling sad and almost empty. And exhausted. It is nothing short of exhausting and I know these have probably been some of the relatively easy meetings along our journey. Who knows what the future will bring.
