I am Enough

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Much longer than I like, to be honest. Life is busy, chaotic, hectic, nonstop. But that is always the case. Not the reason for this hiatus. 

I think the reason is that lately I feel like I have no insight to share. It all feels like a crap shoot and I am just going through the motions. When I have a good day, I don’t really know what to attribute it to, let alone how to recreate it, if that were even possible. When it’s a bad day, there is no shortage of blame, guilt, and other similar inadequate feelings. Either way you slice it, there’s a lack of confidence on my part, and I do not even have much time to analyze it because another round starts with the new day so it’s back to the grind anyway.

So I am borrowing words of wisdom from the seasoned moms who have come before me. And walk beside me. And have the generosity to create inspiration sayings for any internet user to find.

“I am enough.”

My thoughts and feelings are not facts (but they are valid). I am doing my best. I am absolutely enough. 

These are the things I tell myself, even when I don’t believe them. Especially when I don’t believe them. 

I am willing to bet most moms have their moments of doubt just like I do. 

Writing down so many of my thoughts and reflections lately has been therapeutic, freeing, enlightening even. But it also makes me realize how much I am still struggling with being a mom and owning it and feeling confident. 

I do not think I often catch myself saying that I am not enough, but rather that IT is not enough and really it amounts to the same thing. It’s the same thought being expressed, but almost removes a level of responsibility. It’s that feeling of doing everything you can, and yet it is still not enough. 

It is extremely hard to feel like “enough” when the list never ends. The house is always messy. Someone is always sick. I am never caught up on sleep. Or caught up on paperwork, or grading or lesson planning, or even responding to other people’s text messages. 

It’s hard to feel like enough when so much of the daily routine is unreliable and unpredictable. Even if I get it under control for a short period of time, something shifts and changes and we regroup and evolve and have to start all over again. 

It is hard to feel like enough when criticism comes from everywhere, blatant and implicit, regarding every facet of this daunting job that is motherhood. 

It is hard to feel like enough when there is no break. Someone needs something constantly and cannot be patient or reasonable or compromising. It is hard to feel like enough when a cry or a whine or a “mommyyyy” invades my brain and unnerves me because I can’t respond and deliver immediately and I just need some quiet and some breathing room and some help.

About once a week, on average I arrive at the end of my day, defeated and exhausted asking “Do I really and truly consider myself a good mom?” 

Even on the worst days, if I’m forced to be honest, the answer is yes. Some days it is a quiet, tearful, whispered shrug of a yes. Other days it’s a proud, strong, booming hell yes. 

But the question returns all too often. I lack the confidence to keep the question at bay for long. It doesn’t take much to get back to that place. 

I know deep down that I am doing the best I can. And that my best looks different on a daily basis. But I am giving it my all, and leaving it all out there on the field. Even if I get it wrong some days, I know my intentions are filled with love. 

And my kids can feel that. They are so quick to hug me when I cry, even if they are still crying themselves, because I’ve just yelled at them 30 seconds ago. Their affection and emotional maturity gives me a strength and tenderness all at the same time that I could never have anticipated and worry that I don’t deserve. They can effortlessly forgive me, even when I can’t forgive myself. In those moments, they make me believe that I AM enough. Sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees. So I will borrow those words and make that my mantra “I am enough”. I will repeat it through the good and the bad until it becomes a solid truth in my soul that I never have to question. I am enough. I am doing enough, I am giving enough, I am loving enough. I really and truly am enough.